Armor For Sleep

1

Out of all of my possible options, it’s hard to believe this was my best one. Speeding down the road, only gaining more speed, I swerved in and out of traffic to avoid hitting the other cars. They don’t deserve my fate. The turn overlooking the lake was coming up fast, faster than I thought it would. Meters turned to feet as I smashed through the guardrail and over the edge. As the car plummeted off the edge I thought to myself “Maybe no one will notice, maybe no one will care.” With that final thought I crashed into the water.

 The lake was shallow, but the car quickly submerged regardless of the depth.

 There I sat waiting for the car to fill up with water, waiting for my lungs to beg for air. I’m in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back, I forgot to tell her this. “I don’t care that she left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for her.” This isn’t fair to her though. I bet she’ll just blame herself, Leave it to me to burden her again. I hope she believes the note, that this is not her fault, she should just forget me like everyone else did, and not think back on me at all, she just let me fall.

 So here I am in a car underwater with time to kill.

2

I woke up back in my bed, fully clothed and soaking wet. Moments ago i felt my lungs screaming for air and my brain begging for death. I know I’m not alive, but still, why am i in my bed?

I went downstairs to see if mom or dad were home. Mom was home, but not awake. She had a bottle of sleeping pills in one hand, and a bottle of gin in the other. She wasn’t going to wake up.

I walked to her body

"I'm sorry mom; we both knew i wasn’t worth this, i told you not to believe in me."

And i walked away from her body.

Dad wasn’t home, he wasn’t at work either he was passed out in a holding cell and the police station. I walking in unnoticed among the men in uniform and went to the cell.

"I’m sorry dad, you may have needed me, but mom needed you last night, and you weren’t there for her. I told you not to believe in me."

As far as i was concerned i only had one more stop to make...

I went to her house, to find her sleeping with the blankets above her head. I sat on the foot of the bed. It never creased under my weight.

“I'm sorry i left, i couldn’t handle my reality though, that’s something you need to understand. I told you so many times not to believe in me, all i did was push you away."

As i got up to leave she started to sob. I walked back to the bed and stood in front of her she started to cry harder. I lifted the covers and took off my shoes as i lay there next to her.

I never had the gift of holding on to you,

I want to live again

I want to start everything over again.

3

You don’t see me.

But I look okay to you.

You hold out your hand expecting me to shake it again.

We both know I’m dead.

We both know that I’m still here.

I don’t follow where you don’t want me.

I know when you need to be alone.

Sometimes I’ll leave you for days, wander away from your bed, kind of like right now.

Those analysts are trying to pry into my brain, but I’m already gone, only two people know why I did it. You and me.

And now I’m running back to you, I miss your face, voice and tears.

I just need to see you now.

But it’s raining now.

And the thunders catching up to me.

Anything to keep me away from you.

I bet there’s a killer up ahead.

Waiting for me to walk by.

Anything to keep me away from you.

The stars are falling soon.

To break up the road.

Anything to keep me away from you.

I’ll scream at them.

I’ll stand and ill bleed.

Nothing will keep me back.

I just need to see your tears.

I don’t care about anything else.

Right now, it’s you, just you that I need.

I want to share the same air.

I want to breathe what you breathe.

Just wait for me to come back.

4

As i begin to float away from her bed, towards, then though the ceiling; i knew it was time to go. There was nothing left to see or hear. Everyone had moved on, some more than others. They moved on, and now so must i. as my head began to pass through the ceiling slowly, she turned on her back opened her eyes and lifted her hands to the air, for a split second, our fingers touched. I could not have just imagined it, because her eyes widened and her mouth opened and emitted a low wail, like something very important just slipped out of reach. After i passed through her ceiling then her roof i was floating above my old town, the lights began to flicker as i ascended, then they faded...then disappeared beneath the clouds.

I exhaled one long deep sigh, one that let me breathe out my pain, not the pain of longing, the pain of not being longed for. I could see her face still in my mind’s eye and it showed no longing, just frustration. My last memories of the living would be one of frustration. I began to laugh, not even quietly, i simply howled with laughter. How stupid could i be? This was all just one big joke, in a line of never ending pranks that followed my entire life. I mean, did anyone ever hear a single word out of my mouth? Will my words ever me memorialized in any way shape or form? Of course they wouldn’t why would they? I kept climbing upward, into the great unknown, i definitely knew at that point i had never been alive in the first place, sure i existed, but no i never lived. My body began to convulse as i laughed, why hadn’t anyone told me just how funny this was before? They never heard a single fucking noise from my mouth!

As the laughter subsided i was still climbing, and i felt the first drops of rain, i felt it before anyone could have possibly knew it was raining on earth. As if struck by lightning (which i may just have been) i saw, not remembered, but i saw that first day, the real first day. The one in the car. Another funny thought struck me... Don’t believes the weather is perfect the day that you die.